Life Lessons Part 4

"Being loved is not just about giving, it is also about receiving"
-- Anne Hathaway

SECRET # 4

In order to love others, you must first love yourself!

• The picture of the bee and the flower above reminds me of the symbiotic relationship of love. Just as the bee needs the flower for its pollen to make honey, so the flower needs the bee to pollinate and spread the growth of the flower. Each one needs the other and also offers the other something in return for what it takes.

• We've all heard the example of the parent flying with a child and the oxygen mask. In the case of a sudden loss of cabin pressure the parent is advised to place their air mask on first, before placing one on the child. This is because the parent needs to be alert and able to help the child, and if they aren't receiving oxygen and lose consciousness, neither the child or the parent has much chance to survive. The child depends on the parent to do the right thing in caring for him. It is really the same with ourselves, though I think those of us with chronic illness sometimes have a hard time seeing it that way - we must first take care of ourselves before we will be able to take care of those we love who depend on us. Sounds very much like 'In order to love others, you must first love yourself' and it leads me back to the quote from above, 'Being loved is not just about giving , it is also about receiving'. Why do we find it so easy to give our love, our time and our precious energy, but we find it so hard to accept that same love, time or energy from others? Worse still, why do we think needing help (or love) makes us weak?

• At the end of the last lesson I asked you to think about the people and things in your life that make you feel good, I called them your lifelines. I talked about the fact that we all need to feel needed and useful. I want you to create a list of people and of things, whether they are actual items, hobbies, activities or interests that make you feel good, needed and useful. After you have created this list I want you to start finding ways to incorporate these people and things into your life every single day. It doesn't have to be the same person or thing each day, it doesn't have to be for a large block of time, but it has to happen each day.

• One thing I learned about myself is that since I no longer am able to work I was having a hard time feeling needed, I felt I lacked purpose. I started to volunteer at a local Alzheimer's respite program one day a week for about 4 hours. I LOVED it, and it gave me a sense of purpose, made me realize that I could still help others and filled my spirit. It also took me out of myself and my own problems, my pain and fatigue. Eventually, as my health deteriorated I was unable to keep volunteering because I wasn't able to make it on a regular basis. Instead of feeling defeated or useless, I found another way to make a difference. I contacted a charity and asked what type of help I might be able to provide from home. They were in need of someone to collate and stuff mailings for them. While it isn't fulfilling in the same way, I am doing something that helps others and at the same time I am getting myself out of my own head for awhile. This is just an example, it doesn't have to be volunteer work, it can be a hobby - I like scrapbooking and photography. When I feel particularly bad I enjoy taking out a scrapbook of vacations I have taken or friends and family and looking through it. It reminds me that I DO have better days, I have people who love me and I have had experiences that I enjoy. This gives me power over my illness because I refuse to let it define me, even when I am in a flare and unable to do much of anything.

• Are you starting to make the connection between loving yourself first before you can give love to others? If I don't allow myself these things I get the feeling that I can't do anything anymore, that I am not worth loving. When I make time to allow myself to see how special I am, I realize that I deserve to be loved. Then I am able to ask for help, if I need to, or simply to enjoy a friends company because I know I am worthy. Because I do this on a regular basis I am able to be loving and supportive with my friends and family. I am not running around on empty with nothing left to give to others, because I fill up daily by loving myself first. It isn't about being selfish, it is about realizing that I matter enough to take care of myself. We looked at making a self - care plan in the first lesson, but that dealt with more practical things like laundry, cooking, shopping and house cleaning. This type of plan deals with things that are equally important but tend to get pushed to the back burner.

Also in this series:

Life Lessons Secret #1 - Never Forget Who You Are And Never Let Illness Define It!
Life Lessons Secret #2 - Prepare And Implement A Self-Care Plan!
Life Lessons Secret #3 - Be Honest And Gentle With Yourself!

Life Lessons Part 3

Nobody loves being around someone who complains all the time. That's why this picture of my kitty makes me laugh, she was always willing to make her feelings and needs known. Sometimes she was quite demanding! Does that sound familiar at all?
This doesn't mean you must "suck it up" or deny how you feel. This means taking responsibility for our behavior, and not looking to others to make things better for us. The power is within us, if we learn how to be honest and gentle with ourselves.

"It is the ability to choose which makes us human." - - Madeleine L'Engle

Secret # 3

Be Honest and gentle with yourself!

The quote by Madeleine L'Engle hit home with me. So much about being chronically ill feels out of our control, but we still have choices, so choose wisely :

• Being honest with yourself isn't always easy. Sometimes it means admitting you can't do things you used to be able to. Other times it means admitting that if you tried harder you probably could do more. That's where the being gentle part comes in. This isn't about beating yourself up, it is about taking an honest appraisal of yourself. What things has illness changed? That's a big question because we tend to focus on the physical changes, but for now I am talking about the emotional ones. Are you less outgoing than you used to be because you don't have the energy to put yourself out there like you once did? If you have kids, do you find yourself feeling guilty for not being able to do all you would like with or for them?
  

• Now it gets even harder because you have to answer a question most of us would rather not - what are you avoiding or using the illness as an excuse to hide from? I know this question will rub some people the wrong way, especially because we have so many people blaming us or not believing we are ill when we really are. I am not trying to say that illness hasn't changed you or that it isn't real. I do know that if I am honest with myself though, there are times when it is easier to avoid something unpleasant and blame it on not feeling well, being too tired, etc. . . I don't do this consciously, so it is harder to catch it in the moment than other things. But if I really sit down and look at myself I know that some days, even though I really am tired and hurting, I could also push through a little bit. Maybe I don't because the thing I need to do isn't fun, or it's scary or I don't like the person involved. Whatever the case is, I need to be honest with myself.

• Once you've identified the real ways in which your life has been impacted by your illness as well as the ways you've perhaps hidden behind your illness to avoid something, you can start to make changes. Just knowing what you can and can't do is empowering. If you really are too tired or in too much pain then there is no reason for a guilt trip! If you are avoiding something, look at why and take steps to address the reasons behind it. I'll give an instance from my own life, I used to put off paying the bills. I'd say I don't feel up to it, and there was some truth in that, but the real reason was, it upset me. There was never enough money and it made me feel upset and scared. Once I realized that was how I really felt, I took steps to address the fear. Now my bills aren't late simply because I am afraid to face my feelings! I don't have more money - I just changed the way I was approaching the task. You can do this too, whatever the circumstance is.

• Now I want you to start thinking about the people and things in your life who make you feel good. These are your lifelines. We all need to feel needed and useful. We need to laugh and focus on things outside of the pain and fatigue. Start a list of things you love to do, people who always make you feel good to have around and things you feel passionately about. We are going to use this list to start finding ways to care for ourselves emotionally and bolster our health. The great thing is that we are in control of this!