Being A Friend

Last night I had the pleasure of listening to the talk given by Jo Franz during National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week.  Jo's talk was entitled "How To Help Those Who Help Us".  Jo Franz has had Ms since 1977, so she knows of what she speaks.  She has a wonderful website JoFranz which is worth taking a look at.  She has also written a book, "Soar Unafraid:  Learning To Trust No Matter What", which I am looking forward to reading after hearing her speak.

I got to thinking about friendships after listening to the talk.  I think one of the best points made about being a friend to someone with chronic illness is that often people don't realize that the chronic-ness of the illness does not mean that it is going to remain the same.  In fact, for many of us the process is degenerative.  Because of this fact, many times we are left alone and forgotten.  Both Jo and National Invisible Chronic Illness Week founder Lisa Copen, talked about how much it would mean for people who are our friends to check in on us regularly and be consistent in our lives and with their help to us.

All of that got me thinking about what kind of friend I am and what kind of friends I am looking for.  For instance, it is easy when I am battling a flare to let things go, after all, I don't feel well right?  And while I am not one to beat myself up, I also realize that to the best of my ability I need to remain aware of what is happening in my friends lives even when things aren't going so well in my own.  The people I am closest to have always told me how much they appreciate the fact that despite my illness, I make time for them and their problems.  I remember their birthdays, anniversaries and kid's birthdays.  If they are going through a rough patch in their life,  I try to send a card of support or encouragement, or even leave a voice or e-mail message just letting them know they are in my thoughts and prayers.

By being a good friend, I model the behavior I appreciate receiving myself and I get to show my love for the people I care about.  I think it is easy to fall into the trap of feeling let off the hook for some of our friendship responsibilities because we have additional obstacles in our lives.  My experience has shown me that is a dangerous attitude to take.  You let your friends down, and ultimately you let yourself down.  After all, don't we want to treat others as we wish to be treated?

What kinds of things do you do to be a good friend to others?  What things do your friends do to help you that you especially appreciate?  How has someone gone out of their way to help you?  Have you had the opposite experience, such as the one I spoke of in my post on Friendship and Invisible Illness Week?  Please let me know your experiences with being a friend, and with finding friends who are supportive and understanding for the long haul.

Be kind!

Friendship and Invisible Illness Awareness Week

This is Invisible Illness Awareness Week, and Lisa Copen from Restministries.com has put together a wonderful program of conferences on many topics pertaining to living with chronic illness and thriving. Today on , National Invisible Chronic Illness Awareness Week Laurie Edwards will be speaking on "Friendship, Dating and Marriage: Can It all Come Together When You Are Young And Chronically Ill?".

This talk is especially poignant to me this week, as I have recently been let down by a long time friend. This person has been in my life for over 30 years, from before I knew about my illnesses, through first becoming sick, to becoming disabled to the current day. I really thought he understood what I go through, he has certainly seen enough of it first hand. But somehow he still just doesn't get what it is like to live with chronic illness, what types of things we face day to day that healthy people don't. He has had some of his own stress lately, and I attributed his change in attitude to what he was going through, but the end result has been his pulling away. I feel hurt and completely bewildered by his actions. I don't expect too much from him, or ask for a lot of support, but he seems to simply resent that he can't make it all better, despite the fact that I have never asked, wanted or expected him to. So instead of just being my friend, he feels he needs to "fix" me or leave. We are still in contact, but the friendship has been altered forever and my trust is shattered.

I wonder if any of you have been through something similar with a close friend, a spouse or a family member I think most of us don't expect the general public or even passing acquaintances to "get it", but we hope the ones who are closest to us will. I would like to hear your thoughts and experiences with this, if you feel you can share them.

I look forward to listening to Laurie's talk today and hearing what she has to say on the subject. I encourage all of you to go to the website and listen to any or all of the talks from this week. They are being archived on Blogtalkradio so you can listen at your convenience, and even save them to listen to again. I have found so many of the talks and speakers to be so helpful to me, and I hope you will find the same for yourself.

I found a wonderful quote the other day, which to me sums up what I look for in a friend. I want to close this post with it in the hopes that it may provide comfort to you as it has me.

"When we honestly ask which persons in our lives mean the most to us, we often find that it is those who, instead of giving much advice, solutions, or cures, have chosen rather to share our pain and touch our wounds with a gentle and tender hand. The friend who can be silent with us in a moment of despair or confusion, who can stay with us in an hour of grief and bereavement, who can tolerate not-knowing, not curing, not-healing and face with us the reality of our powerlessness. . .makes it clear that whatever happens in the external world, being present to each other is what really matters." -Henri J. M. Nouwen