Back Into The Routine

Well, we survived the move. Notice I used the word "survive", because that's what it feels like--something akin to getting through a tough bout of illness or a car accident! The movers were awful and caused a lot of stress and a fair amount of damage. Trying to get back on-line with cable, internet and phone was another hassle. Thankfully, things are starting to get settled and we are unpacking and beginning to feel more at home.

The upside to all the turmoil is that the new place and neighborhood are totally worth what we went through to get here. The new house is wonderful, and once everything is unpacked and we are comfortable, we are going to be very happy here. We did take the time to walk around the neighborhood yesterday morning and were pleasantly surprised at how friendly and nice everyone is. Hey, I even had a positive experience with the local CVS! In fact, the day we moved in we got a visit from a neighbor with a "welcome basket" full of goodies (Irish Soda Bread and candy) as well as some really useful information like a local map, the local newspaper and a pamphlet about the town and all the activities and organizations it offers. It was so sweet and thoughtful, and believe me we have used each item in it already. It was ironic, because for the 2 years we lived in our house in North Carolina we made a welcome basket for each new neighbor, and not only did we not receive one when we moved there, we were never even thanked for doing it. Now if you are from North Carolina, please don't be offended, I am not picking on you. I think that is more the norm now in most parts of the country than what we experienced here. I didn't take it as a reflection on North Carolinian's, more on the state of affairs in our country as a whole. We have lost a sense of community and neighborliness.

All of this rambling leads me back to thinking about how difficult it can be to find help when we need it due to illness. Everyone is so busy these days with their own lives, that a lot of the time they don't think about the fact that people are in need of help, or they feel so overwhelmed by their own circumstances they don't offer to do for others for fear they will get locked into something they can't keep up with. During Invisible Illness Awareness Week, I found out about and was able to download the first 40 pages of Lisa Copen's book, "Beyond Casseroles: 505 Ways to Encourage a Chronically Ill Friend". What a treasure this book is, both for us who are chronically ill, and for those who care about us! It has really concrete ideas of things people can do to help friends who suffer from chronic illness, and she addresses the time concern factor with terrific ideas that take as little as 5 minutes to bigger time commitments should one be able to make them. I am ordering multiple copies to give to friends, family and church members. Maybe I am a Pollyanna, but I truly believe most people WANT to help, they just don't have any idea WHAT to do so they end up doing nothing, or doing something - while nice, which might not be the thing we really need.

I feel encouraged that with this move we are going to be able to start to build a better support system for ourselves, and to be a support to those we meet as well. As I mentioned in my post about being a friend, we have to model the behavior we want to receive. Sometimes when we are in pain or very fatigued, we have a tendency to think that people should just know what we want or need. Not only isn't that fair to others, it is self defeating as well. How can someone meet your expectation if you never state it clearly?

Before I end this post, I am excited to announce that Rosalind Joffe, author of "Women, Work and Autoimmune Disease: Keep Working, Girlfriend!" and career coach and founder of CiCoach.com, will be doing a guest post on this blog in November! I am so honored to have her writing here and look forward to sharing more details with all of you soon!

Illness And Moving And Caregiving. . .OH MY!!!

Hopefully someone else out there has the same silly sense of humor and gets the post title reference to "lions and tigers and bears, OH MY!!  I'm a little punchy with all that has been going on around here lately.

For starters, my mom has been ill for awhile.  The 2 weeks before I started this blog, she was hospitalized for 10 days.  Since I am the only caregiver for her,  it was a very stressful time for us both.  She is home now, but has developed another infection requiring us to make multiple doctors visits.  The antibiotic which she needs for her infection increases the chances of her C-Diff returning, so we have our fingers crossed that we don't begin that battle all over again!

In the midst of all this we are moving in 3 days!  I know, why make something simple when you can complicate it, right?!!  Seriously, this move will be a good thing for us if we live through it!  We have been in a very bad living situation for almost a year now, and it has affected our health and emotional well being, so once the stress of the actual move is over, it will be a definite benefit in our lives.  The problem  of course is, how to get to the better place without killing ourselves in the process.  Well, I must confess I am doing something I have NEVER done before, and I've moved a lot of times -- I've not only hired movers to move us, but to pack us as well and to help with unpacking.  True, money is very tight, and it certainly wasn't the cheapest option, but given the circumstances I realized that my responsibility is to my mother and to myself to give us the best chance of remaining as healthy as possible through all of this.  For me the answer was I needed help.  Unfortunately we don't have friends and family nearby who would be available to call on, so I did the next logical thing, I called on professionals.  I know I had a hard time accepting that I needed the help, and justifying the expense when we are so strapped, but when I realized what it would cost me physically to try to do everything on my own, I realized I was being proud and selfish.  That wasn't easy for me to admit.  It is still hard to admit I cannot do everything all the time, and this is after 30 years of living with chronic illness and having to learn to lose pieces of myself that I valued and defined myself by for so long.  But the reason I am writing this personal stuff in a public post, is that I know it is something that all of us, whether we are the sick person or the caregiver, go through.  I want to let you know that you aren't alone in feeling frustrated that you can't do all the things you would like to, or that you used to be able to.  But, that said, I also want you to know that you are learning new skills all the time and growing as a result. 

Learning to admit I need help, and especially learning to accept help when it was offered has been a huge blessing in my life, though I went into it kicking and screaming in the beginning.  Now I realize that it doesn't make me a failure to reach out when I need to, and it helps those around me to to do things that are really needed and meaningful, and that makes them feel good and needed.  Also, it has taught me that I don't have to do everything to be a good person (that terrible disease of perfectionism that lingered with me for so long!), that I am a good person just as I am.

Now the week wouldn't be complete if I didn't get ill as well!  Unfortunately I am pretty sick at the moment too.  But instead of pushing myself to keep going until I drop (like the old perfectionist would have!), I am taking care of myself and doing small things to make the move go more smoothly on both ends.  Instead of moving tons of things over before the move day by myself, I took some time to think about what we really need right away.  The first thing that popped into my mind was the bathroom -- LOL!!  So, I made sure I had a shower curtain and liner up, some toilet paper out, towels, hand soap and essentials like toothbrushes, toothpaste and the like.  This way we can just take out time getting the non-essential stuff set up as we both feel up to it.  In the meantime, we can shower and do all of the daily functions without trying to open a million boxes to find things.  All of this took less than hour between grabbing what we would need from the old place and setting it up in the new place.  But the peace I feel at knowing it is done is worth the effort.  And I still had time to nap, take medicine and care for mom!

Are there still things that need to be done, OH YES, but instead of panicking I am addressing each item and deciding what is really important and what I can realistically handle given how I am feeling and what mom is needing in terms of care.  It is a delicate balance.  I know that I will be freaked out when the movers pack us.  I am sure there will be things I forget, but I also know that I have truly tried to do what is best not only for myself, but for my mother, and in the end that's what really matters.  Everything else will get done in God's time, which is always the right time anyway!

So, if you have any good tips for moving without drama, or caring for another while you are feeling ill yourself, please feel free to share them with me.  I don't know it all and am always open to learning from others walking this path too.  And if you are still struggling with asking for, or accepting help, try to remember that you can be a blessing to another just by needing that help.  You aren't weak or bad, you are simply in need at the moment.  Of course it is important to pass that help along when you are feeling better, remember we all need to "pay it forward"!

Please be patient with me during the next few days.  I will be without internet service for 2 days next week, but as soon as I am back on-line I will be posting again and letting you know how it all went.  Before I sign off today I want to thank Lisa Copen of Rest Ministries for including one of my posts on Being a Good Friend Even When We Don't Feel Well as a Guest Blogger in the Invisible Illness Week Blog.  If it hadn't been for Lisa, and IIAW, this blog wouldn't exist.   I know how much the whole week meant to me personally and to many of you as well.  Thanks to everyone involved for helping so many of us in so many ways!